ETU

The Pumpkin King Goes Missing

Sterling Moore father of two was reported missing last night. Locally known as “The Pumpkin King” his prize winning gourds have been known to take the blue ribbon at the county fall festival for the last ten years.

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Disaster Strikes New Ninevah

Last night disaster struck the neighboring town of New Ninevah. Police statements report that a disgruntled patient took the New Ninevah Hospital by force yesterday evening. Details are still vague as to the exact nature of the perpetrator, however it is suspected he was mentally ill and possibly dealing with financial issues regarding recent medical bills. Not wanting to cause and casualties the local PD refrained from hostile actions and attempted communication in hopes to free the more terminal hostages. Sadly though a hostage stand off was not the plan of this violent as he discharged several explosives within the building.

It is assumed that the perpetrator had been planning the act for some time and some education within the demolitions field as the explosions decimated the entire complex including the police attempting peace in the parking lot. The casualties are still being tallied, but this marks a sad solemn day in Golan County history.

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Explosion on Campus

Many students may have heard the large explosion near the Life Sciences building yesterday night. After a detailed investigation ETU security has determined that a stash of insecticide was improperly stored near a radiator within the labs complex. Luckily the incident occurred after hours and no students or faculty were caught in the blast. Sadly however this does not mean there were no victims however. ETU security office Mark McGregger, while outside of the main blast, was unfortunately crushed to death from the resulting rubble. We mourn our losses and hope his family finds comfort.

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Creepy Crawly Accident

Entomology professor Dr. Lyle Canton was found dead yesterday morning within the Life Sciences Building. The body was reported to be covered with thousands of various insect bites. Campus Health and Safety would like to assure students that this was a freak incident and that the campus at large should be safe. In precaution however all Dorm advisers have been given canisters of insecticide as well as all campus security. Any students that may come across unusually large quantities of insects should immediately alert one of these two groups to ascertain the situation.

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Big find for OBN

Apparently lost pirate treasure does exist and local fraternity Omicron Beta Nu found it. Last week while hiking around Lake Greystone several OBN members stumbled across an unexplored cave system housing the lost ship of Grey Beard the Terrible who sailed the nearby gulf during the 18th century. “The find is a remarkable one for ETU’s Archaeology department. The specimen was so well preserved you would think it was being built yesterday,” states Dr. Chad Cougherty Professor of Archaeology.

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Building Closure Notice

As a notice from ETU Faculty all students are to be informed that for the time being the Sam Houston Gymnasium will be closed to remodeling. In response all students are free to use the ROTC Paintball Field as well as the Raven’s Athletic Complex until construction is complete.

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More Cars Along 96

For the fifth time in this month a vehicle has been found abandoned along highway 96. For the past three weeks Golan County Police have been reporting of finding cars abandoned along 96 still running, but with no drivers in sight. The occurrences seem even more mysterious when several of the missing drivers were found wandering Devil Pig Swamp. In all four of the five missing drivers have been recovered all with no recollection of how they arrived in the swamp or knowledge of their whereabouts the following days. Sadly though the first driver to seeming set off this new trend, Mr. Mathew Maranda, has yet to be found. University faculty still adhere to their assumptions of Maranda’s disappearance being related to academic stress and having no connection to the other drivers.

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Mystery Driver Identified

Readers my recall last week our coverage of the mystery car crash along highway 96 and the missing driver. Police later traced the vehicle to ETU student by the name of Mathew Meranda living in the off campus housing district west of the main campus. When investigated police found the home emptied of all furniture and other personal effects. According to lease information acquired, the unit was leased to both Mathew as well as another ETU alum named Ariel Summers who’s vehicle is also missing. Neither student has been seen since last Saturday evening where witnesses report of Meranda ranting about pipes and visions. “It’s a sad state when something like this happens, but unfortunately some young people simply can’t handle the strain of academic life and simply snap. We can only assume that these two could not handle the stresses of academia and decided to move onto a life more suiting of their needs”, states Dr. Steven Anderson Director of ETU Student Affairs. Campus security confirms such theories as a vehicle matching Mrs. Summers description was seen sliding along the grasses outside of the Edgar Garland Student Center.

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Brazen Hussy Blow Up

Upper class students will be at a loss come end of year parties due to last nights incident. Reports state that an equipment malfunction caused an explosion within the Brazen Hussy Brewery last night. This morning workers found a large fermentation tank had exploded covering the entire brewery with unfinished beer and shrapnel. Brazen Hussy stands by their statement of this being a freak occurrence and that their equipment was in a well maintained condition. This, however, has not stopped the authorities from performing a full investigation into the safety of the remaining equipment. “It was just good luck that this happened when no one was inside or people could have been seriously hurt or even killed,” states Texas Ranger Felix Crow.

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Protests Turn Violent at Lake Greystone

Sadly this Saturday a group off protesters including several ETU students where tear gassed and apparently fire bombed. Pinebox PD has had a sordid past involving rumors of excessive violence and possible abuse of power, but never at a level this brazen or reckless. County Sheriff Butch Anderson has stated on record that all officers involved will be under review and questions the reasons behind so many Pinebox officers so far outside of the city limits. Additionally, Mayor Flower’s aid Lance Burdok is suspected in instigating the conflict as well as rallying the police force outside of their jurisdiction. Mr. Burdok however has been unreachable for comment.

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